Most Men Don't Have Real Friends. Here's Why
Jesus’ greatest miracle was having 12 Friends at the age of 33
I’ve struggled to keep in contact with my friends for a while now.
Especially since I moved out of Brazil.
Then I read Billy No-Mates. It was an emotional roller coaster.
It’s not a manual on how to make friends and influence people. It’s the author’s exploration of why he has almost no friends. And why this happens to men in general.
Here are the main reasons why men have no real friends.
1. Men keep having less friends over time
You have to reach out to your friends if you want to keep them.
But men suck at this. And it’s a combination of laziness, busyness, and social anxiety:
Social feed gives you all you need to know about your friends. You don’t need to reach out anymore. You feel you know everything that’s happening to them.
You keep saying to everyone how busy you are. When in reality you’re just going to the gym and binge-watching the latest baking competition on Netflix.
It’s easier to stay at home than socialize. More on that later.
It’s fine if you do it for a few weeks.
But this behavior usually continues for decades.
Then you hit 50 and have no idea why you “suddenly” have no friends. No support network. Nothing.
This phenomenon is called “network shrinkage”.
And it happens less to women than men.
Why? Because women care. They reach out. They stay in touch.
Takeaway: If you want to avoid losing friends over the decades, reach out to them. There’s no workaround.
2. Men don’t own their social network
This one blew my mind.
Men depend on external factors to meet people and make friends. They rely on school, work, romantic partners, etc.
They make friends because it’s there. There’s no effort on their part.
But when the situation changes, these friendships don’t survive.
For example, most of the friends I made were like this:
I made friends in college. Once I graduated, 99% of them were gone.
I made friends at work. Once you change jobs, 99% of them are gone.
I made friends with past girlfriend’s friends. Once you break up, 100% of them are gone.
And I doubt my situation is unique.
And the excuse to let friendships die is always the same.
“Men aren’t good at this stuff.”
Men (myself included) keep relying on the other person to reach out. Even when that person is important to us!
Takeaway: Take charge of your network. Don’t let friendships die because you changed jobs.
3. Men can’t admit they’re lonely. So the solution is suicide
As Richard Schwartz, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, put it to the Boston Globe: tell someone you’re lonely and ‘you’re the kid sitting alone in the cafeteria’.
— Billy No-Mates
I felt lonely many times while living abroad.
Did I reach out to anyone? F*ck no.
I suffered in silence. I thought about leaving Ireland and going back to Brazil many times.
It was easier to quit my job and pack my bags than to admit I was lonely.
Because once you do, people will see you as a weirdo. Like there’s something wrong with you. Or that you need to “man up” about this loneliness sh*t.
But as I learned from this book, it’s OK to feel lonely. You are a social creature. And feeling like that means you’re hungry for social interactions.
Unfortunately men (and me) can’t admit their loneliness. They let it build up. And if it builds up for long enough, it will reach a point where only an extreme action makes sense.
Then people are gathered around a coffin saying “I would’ve never imagined he’d do this”.
Takeaway: there’s no shame in admitting you’re lonely. Reach out to people and socialize.
4. Men are conditioned to act as lone wolves since childhood
Since childhood men learn to develop the following traits, so they look less feminine:
Be successful
Be a source of inspiration
Be confident
Be self-reliant
If you aren’t all these, you’re considered a “loser”. Even if you are happy and have a great life.
Friends and family are not a priority. Money takes over your identity.
That’s why I’ve been obsessed with money ever since I learned about investing. Having lots of it is what being a man means, right?
And when you focus all your time and energy on making money (or individual activities) you have less time for everything else. Again friends and family are not a priority.
But that’s fine because men are “supposed to be” self-reliant.
This means men won’t reach out to people. They’ll act distant. Let others do the chasing. Even if the person is important to them.
Because God forbid you send a message to someone saying you want to meet them for coffee.
And this is something I struggle a lot with.
It’s cemented in my brain.
To not do any chasing. It’s pathetic. And a bad habit to carry over into any relationship.
Takeaway: Just because you’ve been trained to act as a lone wolf doesn’t mean you have to.
5. Toxic masculinity is not easy to spot (when you’re talking about yourself)
I considered myself a non-toxic male.
This book slapped that concept out of me.
And this realization came in the form of a cringy list of all the things I thought I had to (and sometimes still) do because I’m a man. Here are some examples:
Wear sneakers with holes at the bottom to show I didn’t care
Eat a lot of food, even though I would feel sick afterward
Hold back tears when in the presence of other humans
Get into an arm-punching competition just because
Not use a jacket inside, even if I was feeling cold
Wash dishes with freezing cold water
Not use sick days at work
Not wearing sunscreen
Not eating healthy
Etc, etc, etc
It’s pathetic. But I was unaware of them. Doing them was second nature. And it got worse when men were around. Like it was some sort of competition.
But I’m learning. I’m getting better at recognizing when I’m acting stupid.
And once you learn to identify these toxic things you’re doing, it’s easier to become a better man.
Takeaway: Pay attention to the things you do because you think men are supposed to do. Or because other men are around you. The results will surprise you.
6. "Masculinity is not in us. It is between us"
When you get guys together, the average brain age drops to that of a 5-year-old.
All it matters is to be funny. Mock one another. And occasionally lift each other off the ground to show how strong you are.
That’s how interactions with my guy friends have been. Entertaining. All the time. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s hard to develop any deep friendship if all you do is mock each other.
I also acted differently around other guys. When I worked in Brazil, I used to follow football. I wanted to have something to talk about Monday morning with guys at work. The problem? I f*cking hate football. Or the hand-shaking competitions where you’d try to squeeze each other’s hand until blood would come out.
But none of that sh*t matters when you’re not around other guys. You’re free to do whatever you want. There’s no need to try to look cool at the time.
This is why female friendships were always easier for me. They allowed vulnerability. Which is something every man is afraid of when being in front of other men.
Takeaway: men change when other men are present. That’s why masculinity is between men. Not in men.
7. Men learn to become emotionless. Unless it’s violence.
Men and women are born the same way.
They’re both capable of identifying their feelings.
Until the age of 16. That’s when boys start to distance themselves from their friends.
Before that age, it’s OK to develop a deep relationship with your friends.
After that, they learn it’s not. They don’t want to look “effeminate”. To quote the book:
Niobe Way says this happens because of the culture around close friendship being linked "with an age (young), a sex (female) and a sexuality (gay)"
— Billy No-Mates
And this suppression of feelings keeps going in 3 different phases:
Repression. Men don't explore their feelings. They do their best to avoid admitting anything. They suppress it. Which leads to...
Alienation. This is when men start to have no idea what feelings look like. They start to think it's all the same stuff. Which leads to...
Numbing. After suppressing feelings for so long, men start to not feel anything anymore. Feeling sad is like a distant memory. You kinda know what it feels like, but it's been so long that you forgot.
By your 20s, you’ve trained yourself for years to stay cool. Until a guy bumps into you at the club and you break his jaw.
And this is the main issue. For men, it’s much more acceptable to display violence than to cry.
And suppressing your emotions for too long turns you into a pressure cooker. At some point you need to release some steam. Either by venting or violence. Sadly, most men choose the latter.
Takeaway: men learn to act distant and emotionless. It’s not a trait. It’s OK to feel sad, hurt, etc. It’s part of being human.
8. Men take advantage of women when it comes to emotions and relationships
There’s no concept of family without women.
Why?
Easy. Have you ever seen men organize any family reunion?
Yeah, me neither.
They let women take charge of everything. The planning. The inviting. The cooking.
And this happens in all areas. It’s usually the woman who has to remember about birthdays, gifts, parties, etc.
Extra labor they’re not getting paid for.
And since men keep having less friends, they end up dumping all their emotions and fears on women. It’s much easier to share feelings with them than with guys.
Takeaway: don’t let women do all the planning. And try sharing more with your guy friends. Both are not easy. But will make a difference in the long run.
So what should men do?
[…] if you want to maintain your friendships as an adult, you’ve got to be intentional about it.
— Billy No-Mates
It’s not enough to distribute likes and comments on social media.
You have to take the first step.
It’s not an overnight transformation. It takes time to switch gears from acting distant to engaging.
And even knowing all this, I still suck at it. But at least now I know why.
But what should you do if you want to keep your friends?
Here are some ideas from the book:
The author started a monthly pub meeting. It’s in the middle of town, easy access for everyone. Men that go are encouraged to invite one other friend.
There are other examples of people setting up monthly meetings around things they enjoy, like a specific video game, traveling, etc.
This is not rocket science. But for men hiding all their lives from other men, it does seem like it.